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Help! My Boyfriend Has Performance Anxiety

Help! My Boyfriend Has Performance Anxiety

Help! My Boyfriend Has Performance Anxiety
May 9, 2021

Almost every man will suffer from sexual performance anxiety at one time in his life regardless of his age. In most situations this is more of a physiological than a physical problem and it arises when men anticipate something going wrong during sex.

Just like anyone else, men have their own insecurities and fears that may make them feel inadequate and it does not help that for them sex is usually an expression of an emotion.

If you are a middle aged dater, you might encounter men who have not had sex for awhile after a divorce and are scared to show off their aging body, to test out their aging body on someone new and to have sex with someone besides their ex of so many years. 

Talking about how you are a little scared may help ease any fears as well as taking it slow.  Older men start to lose feeling in their genitals just as many women are having a sexual awakening as estrogen depletes and testosterone shows itself more.

Physical causes also play a part in performance anxiety and this is more common among older men who may have erectly dysfunction or any other medical condition that may hinder optimal sexual performance.

To understand why your boyfriend has performance anxiety and offer a solution for the same you first of all need to understand the underlying issue. Below are the common causes of performance anxiety and what can be done in each case to rectify the problem.


Psychological causes of performance anxiety

As the name suggests physiological causes arise from the mind and occur in men with no physical problems at all. Most of these causes revolve around fear that something is or will not be right during sex. Common fears include;

  • Fear that your boyfriend will not be in a position to satisfy you and you will possibly leave him for someone who can perform better in bed.
  • Poor body image and fear that you will not accept him for who he is and you are turned off by his body.
  • Anxieties brought by everyday situations such as work, money and difficulties in the relationship

Physical causes of performance anxiety

Unlike psychological causes physical causes are mostly health related and worrying only heightens the situation. The good thing with health related causes is they can be easily addressed using the right medical procedure.

This does not mean that things will automatically become normal. In most cases even after the medical condition has properly been addressed a man may still fear that he will not rise to the occasion and if this does not happen, even just once then the problem will become psychological and anxiety will still be a problem. Physical causes are many but these are the most common.


Medical conditions such as diabetes, low blood sugar and low testosterone levels are known to affect sex activity by rendering the man impotent. This is more common in older males though a small percentage of younger men are also affected.

Drugs & Alcohol

It is known that drinking excessive amounts of alcohol, smoking and taking other recreational drugs can lead to impotence. Medication prescribed for the above mentioned conditions may also have an effect on sexual performance and will last for as long as the man is on medication.

How do I know why my Boyfriend has Performance Anxiety?

The easiest way to know why your boyfriend has performance anxiety and in turn affecting his performance in the bedroom is to talk about it. Given that this is a delicate problem for most men do not push the talk and where possible, only do this when your boyfriend is ready to talk about it.

If your boyfriend is the shy type you can bring it up but do it delicately and ensure that you do not put undue pressure on your partner. Try to put your boyfriend’s fears at rest and tell him and continue loving him.

Truth is most men those fears are silly and normally originate from a territorial primate behavior to outperform all your previous the problem will resolve itself if your boyfriend is sure that you are happy with who he is and your love is not pegged on how much he can deliver during sex.

If the problem persists even after you have talked about it, then keeping off sex for some time may be a great idea.

The idea here is that without sex your boyfriend will not feel the pressure to maintain an erection and be the stud he wants to be in bed. Do not try to overcompensate and become too nice as you will just be proving that your boyfriend’s fears are warranted.

Instead get out of the house, cuddle and generally have fun together and enjoy every minute you are together. You can also try having non penetrative sex if you are both ready and open to it.

When the time is right your boyfriend will be in a position to hold an erection and you can both enjoy sexual intimacy. Try not to make his anxiety a big deal and the more you show him that it’s really not such a problem, the faster he will snap out of it and stop focusing on him erection and performance.

What to do about performance anxiety

If the problem is physical then the best course of action would be to see a competent medical professional who can identify what the problem is and where possible offer a solution.

There are drugs, supplements and other solutions that are designed to solve problems in the body that may affect sexual activity and consequently lead to performance anxiety. Your boyfriend needs to know that his body state and sexual health are connected and he has to play his part and ensure that he remains both physically and mentally healthy in order to have a healthy sex life.

Whether the problem is physical or psychological the truth is that your boyfriend has performance anxiety because he is afraid and this will go on for as long as he believes that his performance where sex is concerned is everything and so many things will possibly go wrong when you are having sex.

Try to the best of your ability to tell him and help him let himself go and enjoy the moments you spend together. Do not lose hope even when he seems to be taking longer than expected to get over his fear. Your impatience will only heighten his anxiety and may even compromise and break your relationship even before you have both given it time to flourish.

Let him be, enjoy your time together and instead of setting goals and timelines when certain things are supposed to happen take things easy and let the relationship take its course. You will both be content and happy in the relationship and enjoy a fulfilling relationship when both of you are at ease.